Seriously cannot shake the anxiety cloud. It is following me around like I’m Charlie Brown. I realize that this does not make for the most scintillating of posts, but you know what? I cannot be scintillating for you all the time. Sometimes those clothes are in the wash, you know. You will just have to learn to love me as I am, Two People Who Read This Blog (one of whom is my husband, so that goes double for you, bucko).
Okay - real time blogging! Woo! There is at this very moment, outside my window, some kind of Mommy workout thing happening. Lots of babies wailing in their strollers while spandex-ified women flex giant rubber band thingys and some lady yells “And one! And two! And PULL! And PULL!” And now they’re gone. Silence returns to the greenbelt.
Anyhoo - back to my unshakeable anxiety. Why? What? Wherefore?
Well, for one - we have decided not to go on our honeymoon just yet. Which actually lifts some of the anxiety in the moment, about planning and money and such, but leaves (rather curiously) in its wake another more insidious anxiety, which whispers that if we don’t go now we may never go, just like the Three Sisters, except we’re Korean and English/Irish. And not sisters (I don’t think). And we don’t want to go to Moscow. OK,ok,ok - nevermind the Three Sisters, forget them, put them out of your head.
I also got an email from UT’s financial aid office informing me that the government has refused to acknowledge my citizenship. For fuck’s sake! This is the second time this year that the government has gone all senile when asked about my residence in this country. So now I have to send a copy of my naturalization certificate before they’ll finish processing my shit at UT. Which is not a big deal, but irritating, nonetheless. But that’s not what I wanted to tell you.
What I wanted to tell you was that I think the whole move to Texas is causing a bit of anxiety. I have not lived away from coastal (and therefore, pretty diverse and well-populated with Asians) cities since I left Idaho. Packing up again, working out logistics, dragging MYH away from his good job - all that just looms over me. And I am truly excited and grateful for this opportunity - I mean, it’s not like there’s any love lost between me and SoCal, as has been well-documented - but I keep feeling like I just want to crawl in a hole until it’s over. Why? Why?
Filed under: Worrisome
Well now, let’s see…you’re about to move cross country to a strange place where you don’t know anybody with all that entails: finding a place to live, packing up all your worldly belongings, job searching, and the gov’t is being its usual red-taped up self trying to muck things up.
So your life as you know it is about to be thrown into a major state of upheaval. And you’re anxious, you say?
I feel as if the answer is right in front of me, but I just can’t grasp it….
Heh, Peg - yeah, of course you’re right. I can look at that list of good reasons to feel anxious, and acknowledge all of it, but then, in the moment, I just feel like ‘what’s wrong with me?’ - because you know - no one’s making me do this, I don’t live in a war zone, I’m not struggling to pay rent and feed children, I have my health (so far), yadda yadda.
Anyhoo, thanks for the reminder, and admirable restraint by-the-way, not just cutting loose with a big ‘DUH, DOOFUS.’